I have become a wreck loose. I am spending most of the day around the house. I read and send email, watch TV and surf the web. I have to think about showering and shaving. I have settled into an every other day routine. Shave one day, shower the next unless I run in which case I shower that day. I am sure my wife is trying to figure out what that hell I am doing (or am going to do). I know that I have NO idea right now and nor do I want to. The weather in conducive to staying indoors. A series of small storms are sweeping in and out and it’s cold outside. If it weren’t for my lunches and now and then breakfast dates, I would probably be considered a recluse.
But I am not.
I am trying hard to bore myself to death. I want to bore myself to death and then I will figure out what is next. I know one thing. I don’t want to do what I have been doing for the past several years. No more in-house jobs. I wrote this poem back in early October of 2008 vowing not to go this route again and yet it happened (again).
To leave this place
To which I should never have come
A cloud of paper
A morass of process
I put it all down
And leave it to them
Those who stay to be buried under the weight of it
I was never any good at it anyway
It will be a relief for them and me
But mostly for me.
So I don’t really trust myself. I need to break the string. The only way I know how to do this effectively is to stop doing what I was doing before.
So I am stopping.
My day is mostly my own. Pretty much the whole day. If my wife asks me to do something with her I go willingly. She pretty much has a blank check from me as long as it doesn’t look, taste or feel like work.
People think I can’t stop but that is because they can’t imagine themselves stopping.