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Archive for August, 2010

Small Stuff

To empower yourself you have to hold it together when things are going very well. I several moments like that today. I showed up at a 4 mile road race (as in running). I didn’t have high expectations. Just an easy social run in the back of the pack. Instead an old injury, sciatica (is that a Greek Warrior?) showed up and slew my chances of a low key jaunt. The pain and stiffness set in during the second mile and slowed me down something awful. By the time I came in the race directors were taking down the finishing line (ha ha). I went to my car and drove home to ice and get some ibuprofen. Frankly, I felt old. I passed by several good looking middle aged women (yes, in middle class suburbia some women keep it together) and did not even flirt. Look, I love my wife (really love her..more than she loves me I think) but I still don’t mind turning on some positive energy. But instead I craved anonymity. No one cares if a broken down runner is actually broken.

As I drove down the road towards home, I noticed a warning light on the dashboard. One of my lights was out. Turned out to be a small light bulb just above and behind the back seat that shines out the rear window. A small thing.

By the time I arrived at the house it pretty much didn’t matter. It wasn’t cancer. It wasn’t the heart attack that killed a colleague of mine last Monday.

I’ll go to the chiropractor and get myself back in balance. I might miss some running time. I’ll try to change the light bulb but if I can’t I’ll take it down to my mechanic. I’ll be back until the next wind comes blowing through

Small stuff.

Here’s a book on the subject of small stuff

https://i0.wp.com/iamhiprock.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/7222353.jpg

I watched Lawrence of Arabia this evening. A great movie. It always reminds me of what is imperfectly possible.

It was this movie that partially motivated me to help save the Java Programming Language back in 1993-94 when it was on the verge of extinction. But who cares now? It belongs to Oracle and the world. Moments of greatness pass and the passage of time grinds them up. That’s as it should be. We all need to move on.

When I think of the game that PUA’s play, I realize fully that it is young man’s game. As you age you either go beyond the desire to play the game (especially when it means pursuing older women) or you, like cougars, lose value on the playing field. You gain in other areas like freedom from all of that and the ability to only do only that which you want to do.

My father fully retired in his 60’s. He told me that after that no one held him hostage except his doctors and accountants. Now I am of that age. I get it.

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PUA, the early days

When I was young I was pretty (and I am a guy). Girls used to tell me that I was prettier than they were. I loved women but I also attracted gay males. My sweet spot on the attraction board was gay males and plump women. However what I was attracted to was slender women. Most of the women I slept with over the years were slender gals who on a scale of 1-10 probably averages 6 or 7. I had my share of 8’s and 9’s but mostly I went after whomever I was attracted to. Parties and bars were opportunities to get phone numbers. I collected them at a prodigious rate but selectively only called a small percentage of the girls I met.

At age 22 I was shy and worried about rejection. At 26 I could care less. I had three (3) serious relationships smoking in my wake. Girls who “wanted to get married” and who got bored with me when I refused. I truly embraced “game” in the sense of the modern day PUA. Most of the women I asked out accepted but I just blew past those who rejected me. The word “no” meant try once more and then if it still was “no”, move on.

Next!

I was a bit jaded but frankly I had focused my life on other things. Mountain Climbing, Running and Travel. Everything, including work, was sublimated to those pursuits.

Maybe I was sleeping with 8-10 women a year. I did have women who were friends. Real friends. I liked hanging with them but if I could convert those to casual bed partners, I grabbed the opportunity. Some became even closer friends and in  one case, it cratered the friendship. But I don’t regret trying.

But the key was developing separation. Until I met my wife at age 34 I just didn’t get drawn into “love” and LTR’s. I was not oriented toward a certain  outcome. I was focused on the process or for you spiritual types, the journey.

I have now been married for close to 3 decades. It has gone by in a flash. I am no longer young  and I am certainly no longer “pretty” but it’s strange. The gaming instinct is still there. I can turn it on or off at will. During my “work years” I used this same attitude about jobs and bosses. I moved around a great deal. I wrote about it on this blog. My career was very portable. I was the important element, not the place I worked. I gave each company 100% when I was there but if I grew unhappy (and I was unhappy often) I moved on.

I am retired now. I do other things with my life. Only things I want to do. And then there’s that “gaming” switch. I can draw people to me. Oh, I blow it now and then but not often. Women, jobs, life. I win some. I lose some but I am still in the game.

https://i2.wp.com/www.kostagara.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/on-off-switch.jpg

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Okay, Back again.

I decided I needed a hiatus from the world of blogging.

Over the past six months (give of take) I have had to ex (X) several people from my life. By “X”ing I mean stopping all communication with them because of the poisonous co-dependent effect they were having on my life.

Everyone has a reason for doing this. Mine was simple. In each case both were living in a rigid la la land of fantasy that required me to participate. In each case I couldn’t do it anymore.

Energy out was exceeding fuel coming in.

E – < F + or something like this.

File:Linear Programming Feasible Region.svg

So how do you effectively do this?

1. Stop all email correspondence. In fact block or spam their email address so no messages can get through.

2. Same for IM, twitter or any other electronic messaging tool.

3. Get rid of their phone numbers and if possible block their known numbers (home and cell) so they can’t call you. if you don;t do this and they do get through to voice mail, don’t return their calls. Rude, yes but you are taking care of business.

4. If you run into them be polite but remote. “Nice seeing you. I gotta go,” is a good statement to memorize. Disengage as quickly as possible but don ‘t appear to run away. Just move away, calmly.

5. Don’t badmouth them. If you do, eventually your words will get back to them and invite re-engagement.

6. If they collar you and ask why you aren’t friends anymore it is always good to have a story prepared. But make it brief and then move to into #4 above.

7. Imagine life without them. If they start acting like the Titanic, someone else is going to have to come to the rescue.  Tough but you have already paid a price for their “friendship.” Just think of it as writing checks that your bank account can’t cover.

The alternative to all of the above is to act like Howard Roark and just move on with your life’s mission and totally ignore them. Howard really only got in trouble when his “friend” Peter Keating dragged him back into some type of “deal”.

“I came here to say that I do not recognize anyone’s right to one minute of my life. Nor to any part of my energy. Nor to any achievement of mine. No matter who makes the claim, how large their number or how great their need.”

Howard Roark, The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand.

Most of us aren’t strong enough to sail this course.We would rather die in lactic acid bath of “co-dependency.” But I thought I would throw it out there anyway. There it is. Take it or leave it.

https://siliconvalleywarrior.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/superman-muscles_small.jpg?w=250

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I happened up some blogs by guys who specialize in “The Game” which is a philosophical approach to dating women. In fact it is pretty brutal and also a bit reminiscent of my approach to the dating game back when I was single. I’m not talking about the early days when I would go out looking for love and a LTR (Long Term Relationship) but rather post Jan (early 1972) when I became a player of sorts. Yeah there were a few LTR’s in there (actually not that long)  but most were 1-2 night stands. I had them done to me and I did them to others. By the time I met my wife in early 1980, I was pretty jaded. If I went out with a woman and thought that nothing was going to come of it (getting laid, scoring, whatever) I quickly moved on. My ex-housemate used to say that I went to parties just to get phone numbers (no, cell phones, email or texting back in those days).

Some girls I called but most I passed on. It was just a goal. To get that phone number.

But here’s the point. The Game is very similar to my approach to job hunting. Many of the rules are the same.

No girl is the girl

No job is the job

Never take rejection personally

Never take rejection personally (wow, those are the same!)

Don’t fixate on one girl

Don’t fixate on one job

You don’t have anything unless you score

You don’t have anything unless you have a written job offer

Let’s be friends

We’ll keep your resume for further consideration

To be successful you need to display alpha male traits

To be successful you need to be a beast of prey

If you are not getting what you need, move on and don’t look back

If you are not happy in a job, move on! (remember, no job is the job)
I had 16 full-time jobs between 1977 and 2002.  As a consultant, I had more than two dozen varied clients between 2003-2008. Then I went back inside one more time (job #17) but after 15 months quit because the job went sour (or I went sour). Oh well, whichever came first.

I have been relatively happily married since December 1980 but if you read my July 17th post you’ll see that if you begin to slip and start to act as a beta male, your wife will run right over you. So I am clawing my back to alpha status whatever the cost. Not an easy thing to do at age 65 but if you are still around, you have to feel good about yourself.

I had been backsliding at work too. Bully Bosses could push me around for a time. Eventually I would either leave of help get rid of them. Later on in my career I became really good at outing them and then leaving when I damn well wanted to.

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